Losing someone is an indescribable pain that tugs on your heart and sometimes with the lack of support could be a cry for help.
Wanted to share a part of my life stitched to pain, loss and the experience of healing.
For the past few months, I have been hearing about unfortunate deaths of people I knew or were relatives of those people. It was not just one or two but a few which was heart wrenching. These things never cross our minds because we tend to be programmed to overlook this tragic part of life. The part where we secretly fear losing our loved ones.
Just like the headlines of a newspaper, my dad would come home bearing news of people passing away almost every day. It honestly took a huge toll on me *emotionally and mentally*
After losing loved ones of my own, I became very sensitive to death. I could not say goodbye or even attend their last rituals...If I were to describe the pain I felt it would be as if someone was squeezing my insides. Tears flowing like a tap leaving my eyes swollen. I used to wonder...
Why is it that when someone dies, they do not take their memories with them?
It was like a dark cloud - negativity would blister my brain everyday and leave me awake all night. People often say you should not worry about things that are not in your control. But can you stop the lingering thought of what if you never see them again or maybe if you had more to say than just a goodbye? We take our time with loved ones granted and often wait for a next time. We forget to live in the moment because we think we can relive memories again tomorrow... but what if? What if there is no tomorrow....
We all are guilty of capturing memories and not living them. Taking pictures and saving them into our phone instead of being present. Love can be described with just three words and many people only choose to express it on Valentine's Day. What about the other 364 days of the year? Talking to people is simplified by apps so emotions we genuinely feel are now just letters, syllables, words in black and white displayed on our bright digital screens.
Everyone has had different experiences with loss. My father's story touches me the most. He lost his mom when he was just four and he lost his father a few months after I was born. He always tells us; "People do not realize what they have until they have lost it". My dad had huge plans of offering a luxurious life that my grandfather never experienced. To buy him a car, to live in an air-conditioned house and to spend lavishly without having to work. My dad never got the chance to make that happen and it devastates him even to this day. This made me realise that life is actually short but and we push by half of our lives with the memories we shared with loved ones.
The process of healing was hard, I often pushed my sadness to the back of my head. I was very lucky to constantly have the support of family and friends throughout this difficult phase.
My healing journey began by first accepting that this person is no longer here and their memories will live amongst us forever. Then it was trying to accept the fact that they are happy wherever they are and most importantly, at peace with God. Constantly mourning and crying over their death not only upsets us but also upsets the ones gone because the last thing they wanted to do was inflict pain to the people they loved the most. Life goes on and despite the drags and tragic happenings... we should never forget to appreciate the people around us who will love and protect us no matter what.
So go up to your loved ones today and tell them that you love and appreciate them because these moments are what adds meaning to life. Moments when you realise that nothing ever stays the same and that time is often divided to before this and after this....
It does not get better... It becomes different!
x PRAYA x
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